


Stranger Things Have Happened

by a_xmasmurder



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types, Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Awkwardness, Bearded lizards, Confusion, Crack Fic, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Naked people wandering around their flat, Stranger things have happened, Unholy messes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 17:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_xmasmurder/pseuds/a_xmasmurder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Bond goes over to Q's flat and finds confusion and something to laugh about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stranger Things Have Happened

**Author's Note:**

> *shakes head* I...actually don't even know anymore. It's crack, okay?

The door wasn't much of a challenge, really. Once James got through the thumbprint scanner, retina scanner, facial recognition system, and voice recognition system, all he had to do was...what? He looked down at the little card slot in the door itself, and cocked his head. How was he supposed to trick this thing? He pulled out his ID badge from his wallet and dragged it through the slot, just for giggles. It blinked green at him, chirped happily, and the agent heard the door unlock.

"Alright, then." So it was set to his card, which meant he didn't have to trick anything else. He sighed. Q really wanted him to come over, enough that he reset his own home security system to allow James Bond, 007, to enter. _Interesting._

He turned the door handle, and didn't get zapped. He didn't get boiling oil poured over him. Nothing shot out at him. In fact, he didn't even get so much as a water balloon thrown at him. The door opened smoothly on well-oiled hinges. He could feel the weight of the reinforced wood, probably iron or steel or something like it, under his hand, and he actually had to push a little harder than normal. _Wonder if this is how he gets his exercise every day._ He chuckled under his breath and walked through, letting the door shut behind him with a whisper and a thunk as the bolts re-engaged. James fancied he could hear the system rearming itself behind all of that wood and metal. His overactive brain even provided the sci-fi sound effects, to his undying boyish amusement.

Once through the short foyer hallway, he entered an absolute warzone. The sitting area had computers everywhere; in pieces, half-built in corners, whole ones on the coffee table, and completely gutted and dead scattered over the shag carpeting. The walls, cream with brown accents, were festooned with schematics and blueprints, outlines and Post-It notes in a rainbow of colours. No pictures of family, pets, sports - ha, the Quartermaster playing sports. The very idea made James want to snort - nothing even as simple as modern art or even a cheap flower pot photo. The sofa couldn't even be seen under all of the blankets and...pizza boxes? _Good Lord, he actually eats!_ Upon further investigation, the boxes were empty, and James smiled at the drawings and sayings on the cardboard. Most of it was in a language the agent didn't really understand. _Programming shorthand, maybe?_ He wasn't sure. He lifted another lid and recoiled when a green something  flicked its tail at him.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" He resisted pulling his gun, but just barely. Since that incident with the bloody Komodo dragon, he'd been off lizards in general. But this one looked like it couldn't hurt a fly. _Well, maybe a fly_ , he thought as he lifted the lid again and peered at the... _bearded dragon_ , his mind provided. "Hm." He stuck a finger out to it, and the little lizard leaned forward, as if to sniff him. It must have decided that he was good people, because it moved into his palm and settled down for a bit of a shut-eye.

James couldn't help but smile at the little creature, and carefully lifted the lizard out of the box and turned, looking for a fish tank or some spot that he could deposit it before it did something as crass as defecate in his hand. If lizards actually did that. He wasn't entirely sure about that. He did spot a large tank, but it was currently occupied by a really, really large yellow snake. _Reticulated python_ , his mind provided again, and he made a mental note to not drink himself stupid tonight to reward it for being on the ball about reptiles that he couldn't give two shits about. He looked down at the lizard in his hand, and it looked right back at him, then flicked its tongue out and licked its eyeball.

"Eurgh." James scrunched up his nose. "That makes me uncomfortable, lizard. Wonder what your name is?" He found an empty tank with a note stuck to it. James looked at it.

"' **NATHANIEL JAMES BOGART** '"

"Um." He looked down at the dragon in his hands. "Is that your name, lizard?

The lizard licked its other eyeball.

"I'm trying to have a conversation with a bearded dragon. I need a drink."

“Who’s banging around out there? Nathan, that better be you. If it is, get out and take your blasted lizards with you, I’m well and truly disgusted with the level of disrespect you have for my bleeding flat!” The bathroom door opened, disgorging steam and a very naked Q.

James blinked and swallowed, all thoughts halting in a spectacular wreck in his brain. _NOW_ _I definitely need a drink._ Q looked...amazing. He wasn't the emaciated basement dweller that James had once thought. Thin, yes, but with the build of a runner or cyclist - and come to think of it, he might have seen a bike out in the parking area, chained to a post. Flat stomach, strong legs lightly dusted with dark hair, muscles defined but not overbearing, water dripping off him... in a word -  _perfect._

Q had a tablet in one hand and a juice box in the other. Completely distracted, he wasn’t looking up at anything as he walked out, which meant he completely missed the Double O standing in his sitting room. “Seems the waterproofing is working on this, which is fantastic. No shorts, no glitches, and I was able to play Fruit Ninja in the shower, how amazing is that? Nathan, I’m serious about the pizza boxes, I want them off my sofa before I do something horrendous to your comforter. It will involve Bessie and a lot of worms.” He padded around the mess of computer parts and past James and the lizard into the kitchen. “And if I step on one transistor, you are going to have a very intimate encounter with the shooting range where I work, as one of the targets.” He opened the fridge with one bare foot while sucking the rest of the apple juice out of the box, then snagged another. He bumped the door shut with his hip and hummed at the tablet. “And the microphone and speakers still work adequately. Ah, this is perfect, I need to give this to my test group for the first round of prototype testing.”

The front door opened, and James twisted around, hand on the butt of his Walther to watch the person who peeked their head in. Apparently, this was the Nathaniel that Q thought he was talking to, and the owner of the reptiles. The scrawny, scruffy man in a Motorhead tee and holey jeans scooted through the door, took one look at the huge man standing defensively in the middle of the sitting room, and squeaked out a hello before he dropped his knapsack on top of a dead Dell monitor and retreated to the kitchen to try to block Q from view, flushing a bright red. Q finally looked up, but at Nathaniel, and only to give the man - _boy, really_ \- a quick peck on the lips. Nathaniel leaned in for a longer kiss, but Q ducked away and shook his head with an irritated look on his face.

“What did I tell you about the mess?”

Nathaniel shrugged. “I’ve been busy.”

“Oh, and I haven’t been?” Q sighed, and James smiled from his vantage point. He vowed to himself to stay quiet. “I’ve got a full time job babysitting a bunch of heavily muscled, clinically insane government employees for days on end. You tear apart computers for eight hours a day, then come home and tear apart even more computers at your leisure, destroying my home while you are at it.” He poked a finger at Nathaniel. “Clean up your mess. And do something about Bessie, she keeps getting out of her tank. How, I have no idea, but I woke up with her cleaning her eyeball in my face and I am embarrassed at the noise I made.”

“T-they do that, Danny. That’s how they -”

James blinked.  _Danny? Daniel. That's his name. Huh. Doesn't really look like a 'Daniel'._

Q threw up his hands, tablet, juice box and all. “I know that, Nate. I know that, and you know what? I actually don’t care. I care even less when she insists on doing it in my face! While I’m sleeping, is this hard for you to comprehend? Why is it so hard to understand that?”

Nate cringed, and James wanted to do the same, in sympathy. He’d been on the receiving end of one of Q’s tirades before, and it really wasn’t fun to have just short of six feet of not-as-skinny-as-previously-thought hacker and Quartermaster in your face talking faster than your brain could keep up with while shaking dangerous things at you because you broke them.

“Well…” Nate was obviously searching for something to retort with, until he jerked and threw an arm behind him and pointed at James. “Well, you have a strange man in your house, and you are naked! What am I supposed to do with that?”

Q blinked, obviously caught off-balance, and followed the arm until his bright green eyes landed on James, who picked up Bessie the bearded dragon’s little hand and waved it gently at him. “Hello.”

“Um, hello.” Q blinked again. “I’m not dressed.”

“No, you are not.”

Nate’s head whipped back and forth between James and Q. “You two know each other?”

Q swallowed. “Yes. We...uh, work together.” He looked down at himself. “I...should be reacting a little differently, probably.”

“Something like screaming and covering yourself while streaking back to your bedroom and not coming to work for a month until the mortification wore away?” James smirked and walked into the kitchen, just to gauge Q's reaction.

“Yes. That...that sounds like a good plan, actually.” Q didn’t move, though. His hands were full, and the tablet would have covered his genitals, but he didn’t even make a token gesture to do so. He stared at Bond, a question and a challenge in his eyes.

James’ smirk grew until it could be a grin, except it was too leerish and hungry to be one. “If it helps, I don’t mind what I see.”

Nate rolled his eyes. “Are you serious right now?”

“Oh?” Q murmured, and blinked again.

“In fact, I like it. Quite a lot, in fact. And I agree with the whole eye-licking thing. It’s rather repulsive. Here.” James handed Bessie to a flabbergasted Nate and stepped forward to pat Q on his pale shoulder. “I should take you to Maui or the Mediterranean. You need a tan. Too pale.” He flicked his fingers up Q’s neck, liking the little bits of gooseflesh that popped up in their wake. Q shivered.

“I’m fine the way I am. Hacker, remember?” Q looked up at James. “Though, if there’s a way to get there that isn’t flying, I’m not adverse to a bit of swimming.”

“Danny!”

Q turned to Nate. “If you have this room picked up by midnight, I might consider staying with you. Oh.” He looked at James. “You...oh. I wasn't talking to Nate, I was talking to you. Well, at you." He cocked his head. "In your general direction." He flapped the hand gripped around the juice box. "Doesn't matter. Nate, you apparently weren’t here for the first part of this conversation. I said that you could take the lizards and get out, because I’m sick of the mess. So...um. Yeah.” Q shrugged.

“You...are breaking up with me?” Nate’s jaw dropped.

“Sort of. Yes. There is a high probability of that, now that I see the state of this kitchen, do you even _do_  dishes?” Q groaned. “Three months of this, Nathaniel! I can’t deal with the mess anymore. I’m a clean person. I like to be clean and organised and you are just...not. I understand that, and I wish you the best. And I realise I’m still having this conversation while naked and standing dangerously close to both of you, but I can’t be bothered to care. James, could you...leave for a bit so that I can, I don’t know, get dressed?”

James’ grin couldn’t get any wider if he tried. “Make it a suit, we are going out for drinks.”

Q paused, head cocked. “This isn’t about my being naked, is it? Because if it is, you can drink my share of it.”

“Hardly. I came over here to grab you to begin with, since Alec is busy getting his brains shagged out by twin Russian girls. Anya and Anastasia, I believe.”

“The new interns?”

“Possibly. So I thought you might be up for a night of relaxation, as long as no one tries to attack or kill either one of us while we are out. How does that sound?”

“Ah.” Q shrugged again. “Alright. Suit it is. And Nate? Please, for the love of God, clean this place before I get back?”

Nate sighed sadly and nodded.

James made his exit, and leaned up against the door once it closed. He couldn't hear what was going on inside, but he was sure that it probably wasn't good for poor Nathaniel. He couldn't help himself as he started to laugh. "What the hell am I getting myself into?"

 

 

  
  
  



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